Just The Worst Dark Island Fanfic Ever
by LucyCrewe11
Summary: On board the dawn treader nightmares abound, fanfictions get muddled, and a girl named Mary-sue just wants to sing about it! Or about anything, really. Meanwhile, Edmund is having AU delusions and driving Lucy crazy, Peter is forced to guest star, and randomness ensues. In short, the title says it all! No actual, seriously-meant pairings, just a one-shot spoof


**AN: I actually wrote this a long time ago, but I didn't post it because I was going to have a different, longer ending, but my inspiration for writing it kind of died so it just rested in my computer for two or three months, or maybe longer, I can't remember. Anywho... Here it is now. Just a silly spoof, not to be taken seriously. For the record, Once Upon a Winter's Night is one of my favorite books, and I actually _enjoy_ old western tv shows when I watch them with my grandparents, but I couldn't resist taking little jabs at them within this spoof...it was just too easy; I_ had_ to! LOL.**

"Do not think!" cried Lord Rhoop suddenly.

Easy for _you_ to say, thought Edmund, grouchily, it doesn't look like you've so much as thought of taking a bath in ages!

"Do not let it know your fears..." said Lord Rhoop, gesturing with one of his over-dramatic shaking and wide-eyed gestures. "Or it will become them!"

"If anyone thinks of giant bugs," blurted Lucy, holding her elder sister Susan's bow and arrows handy, "I will kill them." She was none too keen on insects; especially big ones.

"Why not just kill the bugs?" suggested Caspian, semi-curiously.

"No that wouldn't work because..." Lucy began, pausing, contemplating what Caspian had just suggested. "Huh... No, I think I'd still rather just kill one of you." She tightened her grip on the bow.

"Why?" Caspian blinked at her.

"Because one of you went backstage on this fanfiction set and ate my lunch again, including the snack!" She scowled. "And since I don't know which one of you did it, I'm just going to punish whoever makes me mad first."

"OOC!" Rhince coughed into his palm.

"What did you just call me?" snapped Lucy, whirling on him.

"Nothing, Your Majesty."

"Listen, you," Lucy said, pointing her finger in his face. "I've been having a terrible day. Mary-sue won't stop pestering me for Peter's mobile number, I popped a shoelace, someone stole-I repeat, _stole_-my lunch, and Edmund's having AU delusions again."

"Oh, I'm sure you're exaggerating," said Caspian, smiling at her. "It cannot possibly be that extreme."

"Wanna bet?" Lucy raised an eyebrow. Lifting her chin, she leaned over and shouted at Edmund. "Hey, Ed!"

"Yes, my love?" he called back, gazing over at her with a dreamy expression.

"What's your surname?"

"You mean _our_ surname, queen of my heart?" He beamed at her. "Why, it's Philippe-Martin-Grey-Maugrim-Justaciturn-Coulter-Pevensie!" He then sighed heavily and continued gazing lovingly at her for five minutes straight.

"Aw, Lucy, that's actually kind of cute," Caspian chuckled. "He wuvs you."

"It's not 'cute' when he thinks we're married and share a room," Lucy retorted. "He's a total slob, takes up all the closet space, and he talks-not to mention randomly does sword fighting and _kickboxing_-in his sleep."

"So what's causing it?" Caspian asked.

"His therapist says he seems to have a moderate to potentially severe case of Alternate Universe Character Confusion Disorder; AUCCD."

"Isn't that a counseling thingummy for colleges?"

"No, it's one C shy of that."

Caspian stopped and counted on his fingers, paused, crinkled his forehead, then said, "Right."

Lord Rhoop was still running around the Dawn Treader with his hands in the air screaming in a crazed, high-pitched manner. "Ahhhhhh! Don't let it know your fears or we are all doomed!"

Edmund closed his eyes. Opening them up again, he looked guiltily over at Lucy and Caspian. "Oh no."

"Edmund!" cried Lucy, running to him. "What did you just think of?" _It had better not have been bugs..._

"Oh, I'm sorry." Edmund winced and leaned over the ship's railing.

Everyone was watching the water, expecting something perfectly horrific (like maybe a sea serpent or the cast of Twilight) to come up and attack the ship.

Instead, it came out of the cabin behind them: one of Edmund's worst nightmares.

It was a stunning petite girl with long blonde hair dressed in a white tunic, hot pink leather jerkin, and pale blue trousers. Over this totally stylish outfit that would no doubt be all the rage when all the guys stared at her and it was described seam by seam, in ten different POVs, later in the fanfic, she wore an army-patterned wool cloak, and on her feet were high-heeled go-go boots.

Edmund, who was beginning to look a bit sea-sick, turned slowly around, sensing something terrible had just crept up behind him. Then, seeing the blonde girl, screamed, "Ahh!" at the top of his lungs, putting his hand to his heart like he was having a stroke.

"Hello, oh great worshipful lordship king sir highness," she spluttered out.

"Hey," said Caspian, smiling for some reason. "Look, it's Camille from Once Upon a Winter's Night!" He shook her hand. "What the heck are you doing on fanfiction? I thought your author didn't allow stories based on his books on the internet."

Edmund nudged Caspian's elbow. "Uh, Caspian, that's not Camille, that's Mary-sue," he whispered urgently to his friend.

Caspian went green in the face. "Eeesh..." He quick let go of her hand. "Honest mistake."

"Hey, I _liked_ that book!" Gael exclaimed, popping up out of nowhere and scowling at Caspian.

"Aren't you a little young to have read that?" Rhince looked at his daughter, mildly shocked.

Gael pointed at Edmund. "He gave it to me."

"I did not!" he lied, realizing by the shocked looks he was getting that something was wrong.

"How could you give a book like_ that _to a little girl?"

"It looked like a nice little book," Edmund defended himself. "It had a big fully white bear on the cover, for pity's sake."

"Edmund, Edmund, Edmund," chuckled Caspian, clapping a hand down on his shoulder. "One day, you're going to look back and laugh about this. As for me, I'm going to laugh about it _today_."

"Um, excuse me," snapped Mary-sue, waving at them. "Can you puh-lease pay attention to_ me_ now? I'm the star of the fanfiction."

"Says you," snorted Edmund.

Reepicheep, swaggering up to them and examining the first bad dream come to life in this here Dark Island story, going completely unnoticed by Mary-sue as she was too busy making big goo-goo eyes at Caspian, Edmund, Rhince, and even Drinian, whispered, "She's quite the complainer, isn't she?"

Edmund rolled his eyes. "She's just warming up."

"Perhaps we could throw her overboard," suggested the mouse.

Edmund appeared intrigued. A puff of green mist floated by, a symbol of the strong temptation dumping itself upon him.

Lucy elbowed him. "Edmund!" She couldn't stand Mary-sue either, but Coriakin had specifically told them _not_ to give into temptation.

"Eddie-kins, I have a song for you," Mary-sue announced, opening her mouth wide and throwing her arms open.

The dark clouds over the ship turned gray instead of black and a few random blue-birds tweeted much too sweetly. Music came out of nowhere as if the poor Dawn Treader was trapped between a giant set of headphones. To Edmund's horror, some of the sailors, along with Caspian and Drinian, were beginning to sway and link arms for Mary-sue's big musical number.

"Oh, no, no, no!" Edmund jumped up and covered Mary-sue's mouth. "You're not doing a song as long as I have any say in it!"

Suddenly the music changed to the tune of the old Western television show 'Have Gun, Will Travel'.

Letting go of Mary-sue's mouth, Edmund muttered, "What the...?"

"Hey!" barked Mary-sue. "That's not my number!"

"I warned your majesties!" cried Lord Rhoop. "Do not let the island know your fears. We are all doo-mid."

"What's programing from the late 50s going to do to us?" snorted Edmund sarcastically. "I mean, seriously, what's the worse that could happen? We get an encore of back-to-back Gunsmoke and Wagon Train?" He was, however, wondering who it was on the Dawn Treader that had an unspoken phobia of Paladin (he was just _dying_ to point and laugh at them).

Suddenly the words came along with the music, also from above and all around the ship, but they weren't quite right.

_Have sword, will travel, reads the card of a king... A nineteen forties boy in a faun-filled land... Pevensie, Pevensie, where will you roam? _

In a mad explosion of green mist that left a nasty layer of lime-coloured Nickelodeon slime-like gunk all over the poop deck, Peter Pevensie appeared on the ship dressed in a black tunic, brown cowboy boots with big spurs on the heels, and a 'Garth Brooks in concert' kind of cowboy hat that was at least two sizes too big for him on his head. Messily taped to the scabbard of Rhindon by a half-roll of clear scotch was a golden horse-head chess knight.

Lucy lowered Susan's bow slightly. "Peter? What are _you_ doing in a Dawn Treader fanfiction?"

"I don't know," he said, furrowing his brow as he took in the set. "I thought I was on my way to Pizza Hut."

"Petey!" squealed Mary-sue.

"Oh no," he whimpered. "It's _her_!"

Mary-sue suddenly snatched Rhindon off of Peter's hip as if it were made of Velcro. Which made, like, no sense since it was actually not Velcro and was very securely strapped to him. But she didn't have to bother with knots because she was Mary-sue, and Mary-sue had, like, super magic untying knot powers.

"Hey, give that back!" Peter protested.

"Not until you agree to marry me." She pouted gorgeously.

"What?" screeched Peter. "That's extortion."

"That's America," Mary-sue corrected.

"It's England, actually," said Edmund.

"Narnia," Lucy reminded him. "We're not in Cambridge anymore."

"Well, it's not technically _Narnia_, either," Caspian pointed out, doing air quotes on 'Narnia'. "I believe this does qualify as international waters."

"Bother that!" cried Peter. "Can somebody please get my sword back from that non-canon monster before she jumps into a Lord of the Rings crossover and accidentally drops it into Mount Doom?"

"That happened once before," Lucy whispered to Caspian. "Not pretty. Not to mention Frodo was pretty ticked when Mary-sue thought the ring of power was her wedding band. It all worked out when Mary-sue sucked us all into a Percy Jackson AU, though; Rhindon just re-appeared in Peter's pocket."

"Edmund, please! We're brothers. Help me get my sword back."

"First off, we're brothers_ in law_, and, second, I'm a still a bit foggy on how she got that sword from you in the first place."

Mary-sue smiled sweetly. "Oh, Eddie, if you wanted to know you could have just asked." She sighed angelically. "I simply used my telekinesis. I have mind-powers. It's like I'm psycho."

"You mean_ psychic_?" Caspian asked.

"That too," she said.

"What do you mean_ in law_?" Peter blurted out, frowned at Edmund in confusion.

"I'm married to your sister, _duh_..."

"AU delusions," sighed Lucy.

"Ouch," said Peter sympathetically. "Not again."

"I've decided to get your sword back for you, Pete. As a display of my loyalty, to show how much I've changed." Edmund marched over to Mary-sue. "Sit!"

She sat down on the wooden deck.

"That's a good non-canon character...now drop the sword..._drop_ it..."

Mary-sue whimpered, cocked her head at a perilous angle that unfortunately did not break her neck but totally could have, and loosened her grip on the scabbard.

Peter's sword clamored down onto the deck.

Peter ran forward, did a crazy somersault sort of like Willy Wonka from the movie _Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory _for, erm, no apparent reason. (Well, actually, it was an actual accident, actually... He kind of just fell, uh, head first from the stairs leading down from the poop deck). Anyhow, the important thing is that, during that spoofish head-dive, he managed to grab his sword.

Mary-sue held up a sign that read: nine point five.

A random 'cheering crowd' soundtrack played.

From the crow's nest, green mist swirled into a jumbo-screen and replayed Peter's fall about one billion times.

Then came the voice-over: "How many times has _this_ happened to _you_?"

A spokesperson's green misty face appeared on the screen then slowly oozed out like melted flubber and then got misty again once it was on deck. He also grew a green-mist body, complete with arms and legs and also a very cool snappy suit!

"Well, never again," said the spokesperson, grinning. "Because now we have the new and improved Narnian fanfiction rewrite tool!" He held up what looked like a cross between a mystical science-ish space remote and a burrito wrapped in tinfoil. "Simply push a button and add in a detail the author conveniently left out. Like a super soft landing, in Peter's case." He pointed the remote at Mary-sue. "It even works on disgusting OCs!"

Mary-sue reached out and snatched the remote from his misty hand before he could even push the button. "Gimme that! You en't kickin' _me _out of this story."

"I'll take two." Caspian tried to hand the man some Narnian gold coins.

"Uh, here's a list of other infomercial products you now need to buy out of obligation." The spokesperson shoved at a hapless Caspian a list so full of named prices that it would have totally depleted the Narnian coffers making them so poor that taxes would soar to levels of extremes they hadn't been at since the rule of King Miraz and all the Talking Animals would totally hate him for crashing their social security plans. Which would mean, yes, lots of rotten tomatoes thrown at Cair Paravel sometime in the near future.

"I'll have to retire as king!" cried Caspian, ghastly aghast. "And I love being king! It's a family business, revenge against my uncle that I can totally wave in his cold dead, father-killing face, and it has wonderful health benefits!" He sobbed and ran for the ship's railing. "If I can't be king anymore, then I'm swimming to the end of the world and never coming back!"

All the sailors grabbed him. "Oh no you don't! You have an obligation to your people. Not to mention you have to pay all of us wadges for going on this voyage."

"Sire, do not forget your honour," said Reepicheep.

"But I don't _wanna_," whined Caspian.

"Five bucks says this fanfiction ends up getting nothing but flames when it hits the internet," Lucy whispered to Peter.

"I'll take that action," he whispered back.

They shook hands on it.

Without warning, Mary-sue lifted her story-zapping remote thingie she'd taken from the spokesperson and pointed it at Lucy. "Eat lead, valiant queen!"

"Nooo!" cried Edmund, doing an impressive running-jump towards her.

The run turned into slow motion and the theme to chariots of fire started playing. Also in slow motion, Lucy slapped her forehead, Peter wrinkled his nose, Caspian started unwrapping his super-duper fanfic remote and discovered that it really _was_ a burrito after all and suddenly life didn't seem so hopeless, Rhoop started doing ballet moves, and Reepicheep's little eyes widened as his hand went for his sword, taking everything in at once.

Edmund finally made contact with Lucy, knocking both her and himself off of the side of the Dawn Treader and into the freezing cold sea surrounding the Dark Island. (Because, yeah, freezing to death in a magic mist-filled ocean is so _totally _better than having somebody point a remote at you threateningly.) Of course Edmund had did the noble, right, and Just thing; hey, he wasn't (even in AU) called _King Edmund the Just_ for nada.

Chariots of Fire still playing, Peter and Caspian looked over the railing, then at each other, and shrugged. A laugh track played and the music faded to a stop.

"Are we done here?" Caspian asked.

"Yeah, I think this has gone far enough." Peter sighed. He snatched the remote from Mary-sue's bony white, perfectly manicured fingers, and turned the whole fanfiction off.

**AN: Reviews? Comments? Concerns that I've totally lost it? **


End file.
